What a way to start my new year. A phone call from Skeeter Skates. As you no doubt are aware, Skeeter Skates is the owner and operator of the eponymic Skeeter Skates Tree Stump Removal and Plow Repair, located in Ryo, Georgia, although I would suggest you never use words like eponymic around the man. Skeeter thinks words over two syllables are the product of a bunch of know-it-all professors at Harvard just to remind us how smart they are.
He says when one of those pointy-headed professors can tell him the difference in a Middle Buster for a CAT 3-Point Quick Hitch tractor and a Switch Plow Rockshare for a John Deere, then he’ll think about expanding his vocabulary but don’t hold your breath. Skeeter Skates is a proud man as are most tree stump removal and plow repair professionals.
Skeeter also presides as chair of the Ryo Morning Coffee Club, a collection of Great Americans which includes Walleye, who runs the bait shop over in Red Bud, Booger Bledsoe, who operates a local roadside vegetable stand on State Route 136 near Sugar Valley and Uncle Coot, recently retired from the porta potty transportation industry and who remains a bit of an olfactory challenge.
“Hoss,” Skeeter said, “Me and the boys got to talking a little politics this morning and that’s the reason for my call. We all agree you know as little about politics as anybody we could think of.” You need a thick skin to deal with this man.
“Being as how we are all busy trying to make an honest living, we don’t have a lot of time to watch the news and we don’t do Facepaint or Twerp like a lot of folks,” he said. (I think he means Facebook and Twitter but I have learned never to correct Skeeter Skates. As I have stated, he is a proud man.)
“I got to admit that while I don’t have much use for folks that make their living writing words down on a typewriter (I didn’t tell him I use a laptop), the boys and me know you are wired in at the highest levels of government,” he said. I don’t know where he got that idea. I can’t get anybody to return my calls about fixing the potholes in my neighborhood.
“Anyhow,” Skeeter continued, “we were wondering if the next time you were talking to that old boy who is running things up there in Washington (I think he means Donald Trump), you would invite him to come down to Ryo and address our Morning Coffee Club. We can’t pay him, of course, but I am sure Booger could scare up some fresh vegetables for him and Walleye would be happy to give him a bucket of red wigglers and even take him fishing for spotted bass on the Oostanaula. I suspect that old boy don’t get much chance to fish what with all the wars going on these days.”
Skeeter added, “When you talk to him, tell him if he’s got a snowplow that needs some work to bring it with him and I will be glad to fix it up for him. Given who he is, I’ll just charge him for the parts only.” I know the president would be pleased, assuming of course, he owns a snowplow.
What about Uncle Coot, I asked? Skeeter said, “We’ll scrub him down as best we can and be sure to sit him downwind. Unfortunately, we are still dealing with the remnants of a long career spent transporting porta potties.”
I could tell Skeeter Skates was excited about the idea. “Hoss,” he said, “where else is he going to have the opportunity to sit down and talk face-to-face with captains of industry like the Ryo Morning Coffee Club? Also, I hear he likes to name stuff after himself. We’ve got a right nice rock garden over in Calhoun. I can’t make any promises but I’ll be happy to talk to the folks running it to see if they would be interested in naming it for him. I doubt he’s got a rock garden in his name.” I suspect he’s right.
With that, Skeeter Skates hung up the phone with the clear expectations of my inviting Donald Trump to address the members of the Ryo Coffee Club. I promise it will be the next thing on my to-do list. Just as soon as I get someone to return my calls about fixing the potholes I,n my neighborhood.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139