I’ve not decided, okay? These kinds of decisions require time and a lot of thought. And I’m not talking about whether to eat my peas with a fork or a spoon or to not eat peas at all. I am talking about am I right in being a write-in candidate for governor of the Great State of Georgia.
I need to make a decision soon. After having brought up the idea a few months back, I was surprised and humbled by the reaction I received from my fellow Georgians. Three readers immediately committed to support my candidacy. Within a month, that support reached double-digits (10) and has since doubled again (20). We are talking groundswell territory here. At this point, all I need is another 2,111,552 votes. Unfortunately, I can’t count on Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger to find them for me. That has already been tried and we know how that came out.
But I ask myself why would I want to be governor in the first place? I already have a pretty cushy job as it is. I get to use nouns, pronouns, subjunctive clauses, determiners, interjections and a lot of other grammar stuff as well as having an endless supply of commas to throw in wherever I wish. As a result, my weekly reflections on current events are considered a must-read. I don’t want this to come across as bragging but my intelligence was considered artificial long before AI.
There are a few perks that go with being governor. You get to live in a fancy house in Atlanta rent-free (thanks to taxpayers), you have your own airplane, (ditto), somebody lays out the clothes you are going to wear tomorrow and you never have to open a door. That is what your staff is for. The downside is you have to deal with a bunch of fawning politicians for 4 years. Hmm. I need to think on that.
And then there are the two candidates who are currently seeking the job. Gazillionaire Rick Jackson is the Republican nominee and Keisha Lance Bottoms is the choice of the Democrats. Jackson has already spent an amount equal to the Gross National Product of Burundi on TV ads around the state but still looks like he swallowed a sour lemon. He always ends his commercials with, “I’ve got this.” When you spend the equivalent of the GNP of Burundi on ads, you should have this. Whatever “this” is.
How Keisha Lance Bottoms ever got to be the Democratic choice to run for governor escapes me. She couldn’t handle the job as mayor of Atlanta and now all of a sudden she is qualified to run the entire state? Oh, please. The frightening thing is that if the Republicans don’t stop all their infighting and figure out who the real enemy is, she just might get elected.
You have the right to ask me what I would do if I was governor of the Great State of Georgia. A fair question. First off, I would not be Donald Trump’s favorite governor, like Jackson claims he will be. That’s because Trump doesn’t know who I am. He and I might have a problem, anyway. He is all about changing the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America and Lake Ontario to Lake America and even New Mexico to New America. What is to keep him from coming after Athens, Bremen, Cairo, Damascus, Dublin, Manchester, Rome and Vienna? Make America Great Again by getting rid of these foreign sounding city names? Don’t worry. I’ve got this.
If I do run, like every candidate running for every office everywhere I promise I will (inhale) Lower our taxes. Reduce crime. Shrink the size of government. Create jobs. Stand up to powerful special interests groups. Fight bureaucracy. Secure our borders. Take care of our veterans. Improve education and fix Medicare. (exhale.)
I will also introduce the Don’t Mine Me, I Just Live Here Act. Anybody who proposes mining our Okefenokee National Wildlife Refuge for toothpaste whitener in the future will be slathered in barbecue sauce and handed over to Albert the Alligator and friends at supper time. They will take it from there.
In summary, I know you are eagerly awaiting my decision as to whether or not I will seek the office of governor of the Great State of Georgia. To the 20 who have pledged their support, I thank you. To the other 2,111,552 of you out there, please don’t make me beg.
You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139
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